


Deluded

by wyxest



Category: Log Horizon
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Disorder, Oneshot, Panic Attack, Send me help, Sort Of, THIS RARE PAIR IS MY LIFE, angst as fuck, headcanons, i have angsty and rated m headcanons okay, related
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 04:58:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12381384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyxest/pseuds/wyxest
Summary: He could’ve spoke. He could’ve asked for answers because it’s not like Kei could refuse him, but it also wasn’t like Soujiro to abuse what was between them in such a way. He could’ve spoke. He could’ve reassured him that everything is okay and he wasn’t going to leave anytime soon. He could’ve spoke, but he chose to kiss him softly and grip the hands around him tighter. And somehow, that made all words pale in comparison. Oneshot! Established! Soujiro/Shiroe





	Deluded

The first time he witnessed Kei broke down, it was winter, and a year and a half after the Tea Party was formed.

He had been ballistic together with his mom who decided that Kei is simply just an ‘ _adorable child, why took so long to introduce him to me!’_ (despite him being a twenty-one year-old man, who is perfectly capable of taking care of himself), to know that Kei will be spending the rest of his winter _alone_.

Needless to say, his mom bundled him up and set him off to _go visit your boyfriend, make sure he eats well_.

And that he is.

For all that he is smart and pretty and could pull off a lot of crazy-ass skills and is very much capable of taking care of himself, Kei, in all his aristocratic-like perfection, chose not to do so. Kei reasons that it’s because he is lazy, but Soujiro knows that it’s because Kei doesn’t like doing things for himself.

The thought of Kei being alone for _that_ long (Soujiro knows that this isn’t the first time nor the last time it happened though but this is the first time with him) is disconcerting and worrying enough that he immediately dropped his own college work to a bus ride of three hours. He shuddered just thinking about the things that Kei could do to keep himself at bay.

When he arrived, the apartment flat-slash-house (“It’s just a little bigger than the usual flat you know,” Kei sighs, but Soujiro wasn’t about to believe him now.) still stood imposingly lavish, but he couldn’t be deterred.

No one had answered the doorbell and there was no signs of life. If he was none the wiser, the place would’ve looked abandoned if not for the fact that he knows that Kei is there.

By the eleventh doorbell ring, he gave up and decided to fish out the spare key underneath an inconspicuous stone, letting himself in.

This isn’t the first time he went to Kei’s house, but it still made him feel a little wary. The hallways were perpetually cold, monochrome and just _plain creepy_.

Reaching the floor where Kei’s room is located, he hears crying noises, and _god_ was it loud because of the horrible silence.

The events that conspired next - they were one of the most miserable and haunting minutes of his life.

* * *

 

He had always admired Kei – all strategies and crazy machinations, mind over brawn but capable in witty ways, always so unwilling but willing at the same time, so warm and caring to everyone who saw it fit to tear down his walls, and he loved the game more than anyone else, finding solace in being useful and feeling like his life was worth something.

There was no in-betweens with Kei, no matter how much he makes it his life goal to make everyone think of him as the antagonist. Perhaps, these are why he was drawn naturally to him.

So when he saw Kei _hyperventilating and crying and all alone,_ his first thought was of self-blame, _‘How had I not notice how broken he was?’_ And his conceptions about him were shattered, like broken china. Soujiro’s feet were ice and his soul had left his body, his mind was hazy and his eyes are watering.

Then he was kneeling with him, holding him gently despite the tears leaking like faucets in Kei’s eyes, and the ghosts preventing him from seeing him, and the breaths that come in short gasps and the incoherent sobs that muffle themselves into his shirt and the silence that threatens to make his eardrums explode and the coldness that comes seeping into everything they are, and the thoughts of how alone Kei must be feeling despite his hands tightly wound up in Soujiro’s.  

He held him for approximately twenty minutes before Kei was in any semblance fine, but everything had felt like an eternity, with his sweet nothings and whispers of how _you’ll be okay just breathe count with me can you hear me let’s take this slowly_ , fading as if he had never uttered them at all.

Kei was silent, tear tracks staining his face, eyes glazed over, but it wasn’t like Soujiro was expecting him to explain himself or say something his usual self would.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Soujiro carefully asked, and he grimaced. What was meant to sound gentle came out as something tactless instead.

Kei flinched horribly. “I’m sorry you…had to see that…” He said, voice barely above a whisper and something in his tone made Soujiro’s heart ache in return. 

He could’ve spoke. He could’ve asked for answers because it’s not like Kei could refuse him, but it also wasn’t like Soujiro to abuse what was between them in such a way.

He could’ve spoke. He could’ve reassured him that everything is okay and he wasn’t going to leave anytime soon.

He could’ve spoke, but he chose to kiss him softly and grip the hands around him tighter.

And somehow, that made all words pale in comparison.

* * *

 

A year and a half later, stuck in a fucking god forsaken game, that memory came rushing back as everyone scrambled to find _Shiroe_ at two in the morning.

There was no fanfare when he arrived alone at the guild hall, Nazuna and the other back at their place –it was too early and he doubts they’ll be of much help either ways. In fact, it was a mess of maps and a cacophony of chatter and exhaustion.

“For the last time, he’s not in the fucking master’s room! It’s open!”

“Have you checked the rooftops?”

“Maybe he is outside Akihabara?”

“At two in the morning? There’s not even a quest at that time frame.”

“How about the other Round Table Facilities?”

“I’ve asked Karashin to check those, he hasn’t returned yet.”

It was a rather secretive affair. Only the guild masters, Naotsugu, Nyanta and Akatsuki were there, but it was morbidly amusing to find them as loud as the festivals they organize.

“Soujiro.” Isaac nods at him. Soujiro almost has to strain his ears to hear him.

“Any ideas?” Krusty inserted shortly, always so composed, but he could never fool Soujiro with his nonchalance (so similar to Kei but more open, less damaged, less-).

Everyone quieted down.  

Soujiro pins them with blank stare, gave one last look of judgement and turns his heels, towards the exit. “I know where he is.” He grounded out – apathetic and sharp. “I doubt he wants to see anyone of you though.”

Despite his calm façade, Soujiro’s feet were numb and he was dizzy from the rush of emotions that torment him, a memory in tow of Kei and his demons, a far cry from the monsters that haunt them in this world.

“Where is he, Soujiro-san?” He pays no heed to the panicked Akatsuki, and the stares that follow his form.

Instead, he continues to walk away, uncaring if they follow or not.

It wasn’t his place to stop them from seeing Kei, they care for him after all. So he squashes down the anger of _you don’t have the right to see him shut the hell up_ and continues his way.

* * *

 

“The church…?” Marielle was pale, and a horrifying weight settled on their shoulders.

“Don’t speak. Of anything.” He turned to give them a small ( _cold reproachful demeaning)_ smile, eyes blank and gaze unflinching.

Entering the church, his eyes roamed.

And then Soujiro found him, knees drawn impossibly back, figure hunched over, arms wrapped around himself, looking more fragile and smaller than _before_ – nothing like the proud man he presents himself to be. He was trembling and shaking harshly, breathing uneven.

But he was calm. Collected. Void. This is calm.

Soujiro’s heart dropped, if only because Kei didn’t deserve this.

A sense of déjà vu washed over him in second intervals. Dread making his stomach sink.

In a beat, he was crouched low in front of Kei ( _I’m the only one allowed to call him that_ ), hands covering Kei’s ears, an action that usually helps him calm down.

“Kei.” He called out softly, not registering the people behind him. “Please look at me.”

Kei twitched and looked up, wide-eyed and tear streaked, glasses nowhere in sight. “Soujiro…”

“Did you find what you were looking for?”

Kei’s hand reached for his cheek, cold and trembling. “I did…” He whispered.

And in his desolate eyes, he found someone desperate. Someone in constant search for a mark of himself in anywhere he goes, someone seeking the comfort of forgetting rather than remembering, someone in need of a hand to hold and someone in pain in not finding himself amidst the places he has been, a ghost in the life he has lived.

Soujiro embraced him. “Let’s go home, okay?” Tight. Tighter. The tightest he can hold him, the most reassurance he could give.

Fresh tears were falling again.

“Okay.”

And somehow, everyone else pale in comparison to the person hanging on him like a life line.

* * *

 

When the sun rose, everyone involved in the search acted as if nothing happened.

Soujiro thinks, that Kei, too, like Shiroe would be fine in this world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is a oneshot I primarily did because of that Mental Health Day thing, plus this is my OTP fyt me. My headcanon is that Shiroe/Kei has anxiety attacks, it was unexpected for me to give him a slight Cotard Delusion (although it's only hinted and not explicit). And yes, you can already read between the lines on what he did and why he was at the church. I figured he'd abuse the revive system like that...considering my headcanon... sorry I'm sadt in general. 
> 
> I only posted this as an established pairing even though I wanted to write how they got together in the first place, because I'm blank and a little busy. I wrote this at wee hours in the morning despite having classes and running high on coffee and tea, so forgive me for the errors. I haven't checked this intensively either. 
> 
> I wanted to make this more dramatic and longer too, but I had no time jkfkaf and I don't wanna let this rot in my folder so...
> 
> Anyways, if you're a Soujiro/Shiroe trash pls talk to me i need a comrade. 
> 
> Please tell me what you think. Thank you!


End file.
